you make me look better than I am May 14, 2012

It is a wonderful thing to get notes on mother’s day saying you are a good mom

or even a great mom

because, of course, there are sweeping moments of doubt in a busy life

there are moments of difficulty that challenge you and surprise you

there are moments that call you to be better than you might have been

and you dont always love your performance the way you want to

and people might tell you you have wonderful kids and look at you and wonder what your secret is

and you dare not tell them the truth

that they make you look better at your job then you really are

really

I hope  all of you  had a mother’s day where you felt appreciated and loved. Click here for MY FAVOURITE THING TO DO WITH MY MOM

whole when the dust settles May 1, 2012

I have told all of you, especially in my earliest posts, about the kindness and generosity that overwhelmed me when I first separated. It seemed to last forever. I accepted all of it and was grateful for it. It taught me so much about giving and taking.

One day, almost suddenly, it seems, it stops.Probably around the one year mark (I am sure I was luckier than most). No more casseroles at the door, no more calls in that way, no more longer than usual hugs, no more tiptoeing around you because you are tender. People start telling you their problems and they don’t preface it by saying-sorry this is nothing compared to what you are going through, they tell you when you have pissed them off, they no longer say you look really  pretty even when you look like you have been run over by a bus, brothers tease again, people ask you for a price break in your business, and intelligent people look right at you and say , when their husbands are away, ” I am on my own this week so I am overwhemed/immobilized going crazy.”

You nod and say, without an ounce of irony, that must be so hard. And you mean it.

They see you whole and competent. And your story loses all its spectacular shine and shock value.

And you are so grateful for it.

Someone was kind to me on Sunday in a way that really felt like help. Maybe it will sound like a small thing but it felt HUGE. I am still thinking about it. Click here to read about it

so here’s the thing April 24, 2012

so here’s the thing

being a good mom means slowly working yourself out of a job

there is a bit of built in obsolescence

they are supposed to leave us

they are supposed to find their own way

they are supposed to make their own life

we would not have it any other way

BUT

what if the day they were born you felt more right than at any other time in your life

what if all the good stuff you found out about yourself  was because of them

what if every moment you wanted to do a half way job you saw their example of hard work and determination and bravery and

that example made you try harder

and you wanted them to be proud of you too- so you did your best because they were watching

and when you were less than perfect they somehow loved you anyway

and forgave you

what if every lesson worth learning was learned through them

what if every day was better-SO MUCH BETTER- with them in it- their energy , their humour, their eternal optimism and hope, their natural beauty and earnest questions

but  you aren’t allowed to make them stay

I am writing notes to my daughter to try to tell her everything I may have forgotten to tell her before she goes. I feel like I am running out of time. Click here for that stuff and by the way it is lighter and funnier than this

sh@^ my mom says January 25, 2012

If my teenagers had to tell you about the “sh@^ my mom says” (sorry, that is harsh but  it has been normalized by the book ‘sh@^ my dad says’ which is a NY Times Bestseller and not a great book, IMHO) this is what they would say I say pretty much daily-

be the ball
you bring the weather to the picnic
I feel so alive
feel the sweat on my back from my spin class/ run
did you say I don’t look a day over 30 ?

pantsuits are for old people, funerals or people who don’t like their bodies

I could eat you you are so cute and delicious
the other moms are jealous because I get to be your mom
no he is not my boyfriend

right where you left it
did you clean out your lunchbag
make the day great

this is what happiness looks like

no, I am not stressed just busy

does anyone want the green jubjubes

you are dangerously sassy

your room scares me

this was inspired by my friend Sara who posted what her 3 year old would claim she says frequently

More words for Wednesday by clicking here- don’t you want to read about the latest Starbuck’s pick up line delivered this morning at 7 to me

save the date January 12, 2012

A couple of years ago I asked anyone who would listen for an invitation to a wedding. I really, really wanted to go to a wedding.

I can’t explain why except I felt like I had been to a lot of divorces- including my own. Well, of course you don’t go to them- they are thoroughly unceremonial, to say the least. But you attend them in every way possible.

Our favourite babysitter Kate  – who I have known since she was 12 and my babies were new and little and needed so much- came to our house a year ago with her mom, recently treated for cancer, sharing the happiness in her life. Oh, the hope that floats us.

An upcoming wedding.

It is just what I asked for.

My children will sing for her at the church and the reception.

We are saving the date.

We can hardly wait. It is just what I asked for.

When Kate and her mom came over last year to tell us this happy news- they sat in my kitchen to tell us their news. I love that spot in my house for the memories it holds- click here to read WHEN OBJECTS TELL A STORY 

thanks santa December 21, 2011

This week I have had the little artists write thank you notes to Santa on shrink film that I then bake and it turns them into ornaments (and makes your house stink funny).

All the letters were beyond adorable, and have helped me get into the mood; yes they were thanking but they were also getting the ‘ask’ in again- with items like Cobra snake and puppies featuring prominently. One 7 year old had an iPhone on her list – I thought how is it that you and I have the same ask?

Claire’s was brilliant. She is asking for another Ameriacan Doll because the one she has is ‘lonely’. Her sign off is an attempt to reassert her goodness this year.

“I have yelleb at my mom sotimes but it’s better thane last year”

More words for Wednesday by clicking here- check out the romance of one of my favourite movies. Hurry up- you  must will love it

in my next life December 7, 2011

I like myself in a kind of a pissed off way – like why didn’t anyone ever tell me each decade is better than the next-but I am well aware of where I fail at the same time.

Some moments I  see people doing something so beautiful and thorough and perfect that I  wonder if I will be like that in my next life. I am always in a rush, always half doing things, burning things, chipping plates, knocking my hubcap off from rounding the corner too tightly, cutting myself, losing my temper,spilling things, not measuring, falling down, cutting corners, breaking rules, improvising, showing up late, working fast on my feet, never finishing my book club book, I don’t vote because I don’t feel like anyone is telling the truth, I hardly read the paper  anymore and now have no idea what is going on in the world. My worst nightmare is someone locking me in a room and drilling me on current events. I KNOW NOTHING ANYMORE.

It is staggering really that I like myself.

anyway

Monday night, my lovely and good friend Annie hosted our annual book club dinner. I would rather die than miss this. I would walk over hot coals, spend a beautiful summer indoors doing long division in a turtleneck and wool pants, go on a diet, do my taxes and yours just for fun- just to get there.

But when I get there I always think the same thing “In my next life.” Never in a bad way but in an I admire your attention to detail, your patience and your dedication way.

Her house is decorated in a way that is so filled with love and creativity that it floods the senses when you walk in. She hands me a glass of red and I don’t speak I just look around and inhale and I could cry it is so beautiful. But full of love and her not ordered up from any magazine or designer.

She served us chestnut soup. She roasted the chestnuts herself. Did you hear me? Roasted the chestnuts herself in the 21st century. Between courses we cleansed our palates with homemade grapefruit champagne sorbet. I raved about this flavour and texture for so long she ran to the kitchen to print the recipe for me.

I smiled and took it and thought “In my next life”.

Last week I had a party and Annie the Magnificent was there and she asked me for the  recipe of the soup I made- well I made it up and I can’t remember any of it really- no measuring, no recollection – click here for the main mandate of the party

being a grown up November 26, 2011

One of my first moments when I felt like a grown up was when I was going out when my children were toddlers and I was really dressed up and I kissed my girls good bye and they said “Mommy, you look really pretty. And you smell so good”

I felt like a mother. It made me think of how safe I felt as a little girl being tucked in by my mom and dad as they went out all dressed up. Like grown ups.

Once, a few years ago,  when we were lost on a road trip- I screamed “where the hell are we?”

My sassy one said “You are the grown up. You are supposed to know.”

My ex husband used to do all the driving ( because he loved it) had a innate sense of direction (all men seem to) , all the BBQ ing, all the fixing and all the putting together of complicated things, all the lifting of all the heavy stuff.

You come to rely on this.

Soon after we split  we were on the Courtney Campbell Causeway (have three tequila shots and then say 10 times quickly- sounds like a drinking game to me)  in Florida and I got badly lost. Then I drove onto one of those no enter roads with spiky things to wreck your tires and pulled over for a long overdue tantrum.

“Your dad used to do all the driving. He always knew where he was going. I am lost”

Well if that isn’t a metaphor I don’t know what is. Only really the reverse was true, I just did not know it in the moment.

Soon the three of us were crying and nice trucker with 18 wheeler knocked on window with large kleenex box and gave us directions.

Rough little angel that he was.

It is hard to be a grown up sometimes. And even harder to admit that you are still a little girl at others.

I had a wonderful grown up moment recently. And I did not cry but it was heartwarming. Click here for the story I will call “peanuts envy”

so lucky November 22, 2011

today is your birthday and you are 17

I remember the day you were born

we went into the hospital on a sunny warm fall day

and you arrived to snowfall

a  fitting bit of magic.

on that day

I suddenly was no longer an average girl

I became a superhero

a nurturer

a provider

a protector

a warrior

an emotional heap

a strong girl, a loving girl, a good mom

you made me look so good at a job I was so new at

I had no previous experience and you taught me everything I know

the spectacular person you are  and have always been – I was somehow given credit for and yet you came to me this way

you smiled and laughed and sang every day

making the world a better place

leading with kindness and love.

You are my baby

the one who introduced me to my best work

motherhood

and my best self.

Happy Birthday, my big little girl

The world is so lucky to have you.

It is not that I am trying to make you cry – but if you want a good one click here for my post called growing pains (it is actually one of my favourite posts) about that hard thing we all have to do- hold on and let go- with those we love

argue November 17, 2011

“Argument is to me the air I breathe. Given any proposition, I cannot help believing the other side and defending it.”

 Gertrude Stein

Have you noticed our culture does not love a rigorous argument/discussion? I am aquarius which means we are contrarians by nature. It is not my fault. I am a victim of my sign.

Disagree wholeheartedly with someone you love today. It burns more calories.

Okay if you have any sense of humour or a pulse – you defintely have to agree with me on this one? Seriously click here this minute if you want to still be friends with me and see how the designers of this item are laughing at us.

(art -FALL TREES- http://www.artstudioforchildren.com)